Estrangement and such
Notes on being cut off by my only sibling.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the past year or so about the notion of friends and family ‘sticking together’, or working through issues and differences to remain in each others’ lives. And of course, I’ve been thinking about cutting ties, because I’ve done it many times myself.
Sometimes I hear about couples that really shouldn’t be together, but they fight and fight to stay together for their kids/marriage/house/whatever. Or they try and stay together because they’re used to being with each other, and being unhappy together is preferable to being unhappy and alone. Even the prospect of being happy and alone scares some people, because it includes the “alone” part.
Don’t get me wrong: wherever possible, people should try to move beyond simple differences and make an effort to get along. In all of our deepest relationships, there is, has, or will be conflict. We’re human and we make mistakes. We hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. We have conflicting opinions. It’s usually worth working through these things.
But sometimes there are situations where it becomes too much to be part of someone’s life. Perhaps they change into someone you can’t rationally endorse or support. Maybe they intentionally hurt you or someone you love, or maybe they feel like it’s necessary to push their religious or political beliefs on you. Sometimes, there’s a tipping point and you realize that the effort involved in staying in someone’s life is disproportionate to the happiness you bring each other. And that’s okay.
A while ago I realized that someone I thought I was good friends with was incredibly toxic and an adept gaslighter. He knew how to push my buttons and knew which situations to push them in so that I’d react publicly and irrationally. I still don’t know why, but several people close to us both have suggested it’s a combination of his incredibly low self esteem, or that he sees me as some kind of threat (I still have no idea what that even means). When I finally realized that no one else could see how difficult it was for me to associate with him, and that I’d prefer to never see or have anything to do with him again, I cut him off.
Social events with that particular circle of friends became difficult. This was, aside from him, a great group of people I’d become close to and enjoyed spending time with. I got to the point where I had to ask if he was going to be at something, so that I could decline the invitation if he was.
At some point, I realized that the focus on avoiding him at social events meant that he was still taking up space in my brain. Every time a mutual friend invited me somewhere, I had to think about him, and I didn’t want to think about him. The problem was that everyone else seemed to think he was great (or at least put up with him), so there was no chance of the situation changing. I could have swallowed my pride and just shown up to things and let him be the awkward one, but I did that a couple of times and it was anxiety-ridden for me. Not worth the trouble.
So, on somewhat of a whim, I removed almost everyone in that group from my social circle. Or, rather, I removed myself from that group.
A few people contacted me to ask what was going on, and I told them. Most got angry and bid me good riddance, but a couple of them flat out refused to stop being friends with me, and started making time for me outside of group events.
Within a couple of days of removing everyone, it felt like an immense weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, I had about 50% less friends overnight, but I never had to worry about him again. It felt incredible, and it also changed my life – I started making time for new friends and stumbled across the people that are now my closest friends. My people.
I still miss some of the friends I left behind with him, but it was worth it.
There have been other people I’ve removed from my life (or that have removed themselves from my life) too; old and new friends, and most recently, my only sibling. I find there’s always a lightbulb moment when I realize what has to happen, or when I realize that they’ve cut me out. People judge, but not once have I regretted any of my decisions, or fought theirs. I go on with my life and they go on with theirs, and everyone is happier for it.
I find the push to stay close to (or in contact with) family members to be strange sometimes, especially when that family member is clearly causing more difficulty than happiness in your life. At this point, the only thing my sibling and I have in common is our parents, and being in contact seems to always end in some kind of angst for one or both of us. So why do we keep pushing ourselves to be close?
Estrangement doesn’t have to always be traumatic or awful. I read somewhere that we have the right to curate our own lives, and I stand by that. I certainly have friends that challenge my views and that I can debate concepts with, without it harming our friendship or state of mind, so it’s not a case of only keeping people around that don’t challenge my status quo. If anything, I love them even more for keeping my mind open.
I just believe that after a certain point, it’s not worth it for either party to continue the relationship. Generally, I look back on the people I cut out (or who cut me out) without malice or hatred. I have some great memories with a lot of people, including my sibling, and I still look upon those memories and people with fondness and happiness, even though he chose to stop contact.
But now they’re just that: memories. And I’m far happier this way, as I’m sure they are too.